The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
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I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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