the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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