My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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