if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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