I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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