I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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