Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
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we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
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Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize