having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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