Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize