giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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