I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
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I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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