Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
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I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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