BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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