she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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