Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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