I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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