Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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