I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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