Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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