So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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