i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize