you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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