all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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