Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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