I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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