Sorry, I don't speak sober.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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