i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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