He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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