Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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