Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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