bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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