if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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