A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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