Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
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I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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