Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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