I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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