I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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