I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize