All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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