i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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