The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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