I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
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A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
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