you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
4 words: hood of his car
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
