Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
