I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
