hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
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I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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