i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and you fell through a lawn chair
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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