I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize