I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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