I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
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This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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