i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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